Finished week one of the couch to 5k challenge. I don’t feel like a badass per say but I do feel like starting is the hardest part. I’m so glad I got it out of the way and now I can continue on to week two with a teensy bit of confidence. Traditional working out is something I’ve always been really tough for me. It’s hard for me to do work if it’s not disguised as something I enjoy (i.e. yoga, Pilates, bikrahm, dance, Zumba, etcetera).

So I did something really dumb tonight involving Facebook and kids from my high school and I’ve come to the conclusion that I should not be allowed on that site. Well, at least not when I’m back home. It has become apparent to me that I start to transform back to the bitchy little teenager I once was in high school whenever I’m back here. Maybe it’s the air or the increased humidity or something in the water but I warp into this terrible monster the moment I step foot within the city limits. I feel as if I have changed (the fact that I made a public apology after I wrote the dreaded comment that I feel I will never live down can attest to that). I think I’m a better person ever since I left this terrible place but if I turn back so easily (a little over 24 hours) have I really changed? I’ve banned myself from Facebook while I’m here so it looks like tumblr is my outlet/new addiction while I’m bored out of my mind in suburbia.

And you may be saying to yourself “banned yourself? yeah right you’ll be posting statuses and liking comments within the next hour.” but you’d be surprised at how good I am at keeping promises to myself (I haven’t had soda or caffeine in about four months nor have I purchased anything from a walmart in a year and half)

Oh and I haven’t tweeted in like 6 months. I can do this… I think.

I wish we could spend one of these beautiful summer days just laying in my bed together watching the sun peek in through my curtains. We would lay there comfortable and in love. We’d just talk and laugh without grabbing for our technologies and distractIons. Instead we would just immerse ourselves in what’s really important. Cut off from the world we would lay in the center of my room wearing nothing but our undergarments. My floral white down comforter would be our only protection from the outside world. I can only wish and imagine that amount of intamacy right now.

I fear my imagination is the only place this day will occur and even though I wish that weren’t true I’m glad it lives even if it’s condemned to my mind.

So I’m fake riding a bike in the gym and bam! Skinned the shit out of my knee! What the hell am I doing at the gym? I’m too clumsy for this environment.

Fucking bleeding all over the place and shit.

I’m starting to feel less around you. Not simply less love, less sadness, or less fear but less of everything. When I see you it’s like my heart kick starts but within a matter of minute I feel numb again. How I feel without you and how if eel with you are slowly merging into one emotion. I blame the fact that we rarely have a meaningful discussion anymore. You don’t stimulate my mind nearly as much as you used to but that is not your fault. It’s hard to have an opened conversation in a restaurant, or when you’re fearing your mother could enter at any moment, or when you’re busy running errands. We thrive away from here because our list of concerns is compiled of only two things: school and each other. But while we’re home the list becomes longer than ever: you can’t come to my house, my parents don’t like you, you don’t want me to have a full discussion with your mother out of fear, get a job, go to class, pick up your siblings from drivers ed, dad works from home, mom keeps bitching, gotta work out, and the list goes on and on until the words become blurred and we can no longer see straight. I can’t wait to have my weekend away with you so our concerns can dwindle back to the minuscule number it was once at.

Sorry I’m using this as a diary lately but if you dislike it you can unfollow because my first world problems keep getting in the way of regular thought and I must get them out.

Is this what my summer is going to be like? Hang out for 30 minutes, make out for ten then take me home? Because if so, I’m compelled to inform you that I’m already growing bored of it.

Too bad I’m too much of a coward to say that to you.